a first; the first of february. 2012.

so i figured if you dont start writing, guy, you never will.

what i intended to to was fill you in on the exhilerating ( -_____- ) ins and outs of how ive started university just like a top-notch human, but then i figured that 1. no-body gives a rat's labia, and 2. i dont wanna write about that stuff.

mentally , at the moment , i am on a plain. this is something of a peaceful place. it isn't always this way, i keep getting fluctuating spells of a sense of impending doom, hopelessness, deep, murky thoughts that i worry are on a downward spiral to the way out. Scratch that: i KNOW they're on their way. Ther are scars-a-plenty on these vulnerable legs of mine, for release, for a reminder ther's a way out. guilt self-hatred being left out not human.
i have days when thoughts of suicide consume my entire being : in these moments it genuinely seems the only viable option, so i rather thought i'd recount this whilst in an (albeit temporary) state of mental well-being.
it's not uncommon for an evening to be spent religiously reserching and analysing potential methods; two staurdays ago had been one such evening: prior to this evening i had bought a few packs of paracetamol with intentions. after googling (on google CHROME love the word chrome) death by paracetamol jsut once i discovered it would be an excruciating, slow death spent in hospital, so paracetamol was ticked off my perverse little list. (this list is in my mind it's not physical, guy)
i am not good enough to be a human being. i do not belive i am , in fact, a human being: i am a lower life-form who neither CAN nor WANTS to carry out typical human activity. it is difficult, very difficult, to care about certain things: it is difficult, so much more difficult, to NOT care about certain things.
In these spells, everything seems obsolete. all i want to do is embrace an eternal sleep with open arms. eternal peace. the snakes that writhe without pause in my tummy will cease to exist, they will die with me.
the curtains in this room are red. i dont like red. it reminds me of my red eye........
anyway , guy.
ill go bathe and then meet joe.