Fryday, April. the thirteenth day,. 2012.

It's one of those times when one can relax into nothingness. Utterly disengage from wha it means to be human.

This week, my name was changed to Silver, be Sarah (my old self), and the cat that lives in my house was made a facebook by Silver.
University only gives you further confirm8ion that you're stupid; a helping man in my computing practical muttered "jesus christ" in an exhasper8d manner when i failed to understand something .
The "nights out in nightclubs" culture which is written all over society in this damned country is something which will never cease to baffle and wonder this Brain of mine. Why do quite a lot of humans enjoy going to a dark room and jerking, unable to hear what other humans are saying, all the while scouting for someone whom they'll never grace w/ their presence again ? This is not friendship. It is a mistake to see it as that.

When i come home from stirling @ weekends, i get mildly obsessed over my Cat, who goes by the name of "Holy", or on occasion "Baby".

Next year (if ther is a next year) i will be living with four of my friends, in a flat-type-entity near the city centre of stirling. V.glad of be rid of Campus life: it feels very confined, trapped, to have everything in the one place.
Chocolate is rather an over-hyphen-r8d thing: very sickly, really quickly.

Neither soup nor salad should ever be classed as a meal.

I'm terribly scared for things to be going right, // ("//" is my abbrev. for "because") they will go wrong again, as they do.
It doesn't feel like you're with a human when you're w/ joe. :):) oh, cmon now Silver. Abort the cringey wingey -ness.

Recently i have become increasingly worryed about the possibility of catching HIV from getting a stranger's blood in an open wound. This could happen in a scarily huge number of situations -- what if an HIV positive stranger on a bus got a papercut, bled on the "this is my stop" button, got off without a second thought?
Wish ther were more plasters in my room.

anyway, without further ado, i am going to probably go and bathe. it reminds me of childhood, somewhat.. ... retreating back to childhood is something i often strive to do.

<3,
cocoablush09

a first; the first of february. 2012.

so i figured if you dont start writing, guy, you never will.

what i intended to to was fill you in on the exhilerating ( -_____- ) ins and outs of how ive started university just like a top-notch human, but then i figured that 1. no-body gives a rat's labia, and 2. i dont wanna write about that stuff.

mentally , at the moment , i am on a plain. this is something of a peaceful place. it isn't always this way, i keep getting fluctuating spells of a sense of impending doom, hopelessness, deep, murky thoughts that i worry are on a downward spiral to the way out. Scratch that: i KNOW they're on their way. Ther are scars-a-plenty on these vulnerable legs of mine, for release, for a reminder ther's a way out. guilt self-hatred being left out not human.
i have days when thoughts of suicide consume my entire being : in these moments it genuinely seems the only viable option, so i rather thought i'd recount this whilst in an (albeit temporary) state of mental well-being.
it's not uncommon for an evening to be spent religiously reserching and analysing potential methods; two staurdays ago had been one such evening: prior to this evening i had bought a few packs of paracetamol with intentions. after googling (on google CHROME love the word chrome) death by paracetamol jsut once i discovered it would be an excruciating, slow death spent in hospital, so paracetamol was ticked off my perverse little list. (this list is in my mind it's not physical, guy)
i am not good enough to be a human being. i do not belive i am , in fact, a human being: i am a lower life-form who neither CAN nor WANTS to carry out typical human activity. it is difficult, very difficult, to care about certain things: it is difficult, so much more difficult, to NOT care about certain things.
In these spells, everything seems obsolete. all i want to do is embrace an eternal sleep with open arms. eternal peace. the snakes that writhe without pause in my tummy will cease to exist, they will die with me.
the curtains in this room are red. i dont like red. it reminds me of my red eye........
anyway , guy.
ill go bathe and then meet joe.