It's one of those times when one can relax into nothingness. Utterly disengage from wha it means to be human.
This week, my name was changed to Silver, be Sarah (my old self), and the cat that lives in my house was made a facebook by Silver.
University only gives you further confirm8ion that you're stupid; a helping man in my computing practical muttered "jesus christ" in an exhasper8d manner when i failed to understand something .
The "nights out in nightclubs" culture which is written all over society in this damned country is something which will never cease to baffle and wonder this Brain of mine. Why do quite a lot of humans enjoy going to a dark room and jerking, unable to hear what other humans are saying, all the while scouting for someone whom they'll never grace w/ their presence again ? This is not friendship. It is a mistake to see it as that.
When i come home from stirling @ weekends, i get mildly obsessed over my Cat, who goes by the name of "Holy", or on occasion "Baby".
Next year (if ther is a next year) i will be living with four of my friends, in a flat-type-entity near the city centre of stirling. V.glad of be rid of Campus life: it feels very confined, trapped, to have everything in the one place.
Chocolate is rather an over-hyphen-r8d thing: very sickly, really quickly.
Neither soup nor salad should ever be classed as a meal.
I'm terribly scared for things to be going right, // ("//" is my abbrev. for "because") they will go wrong again, as they do.
It doesn't feel like you're with a human when you're w/ joe. :):) oh, cmon now Silver. Abort the cringey wingey -ness.
Recently i have become increasingly worryed about the possibility of catching HIV from getting a stranger's blood in an open wound. This could happen in a scarily huge number of situations -- what if an HIV positive stranger on a bus got a papercut, bled on the "this is my stop" button, got off without a second thought?
Wish ther were more plasters in my room.
anyway, without further ado, i am going to probably go and bathe. it reminds me of childhood, somewhat.. ... retreating back to childhood is something i often strive to do.
<3,
cocoablush09
Friday, 13 April 2012
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
a first; the first of february. 2012.
so i figured if you dont start writing, guy, you never will.
what i intended to to was fill you in on the exhilerating ( -_____- ) ins and outs of how ive started university just like a top-notch human, but then i figured that 1. no-body gives a rat's labia, and 2. i dont wanna write about that stuff.
mentally , at the moment , i am on a plain. this is something of a peaceful place. it isn't always this way, i keep getting fluctuating spells of a sense of impending doom, hopelessness, deep, murky thoughts that i worry are on a downward spiral to the way out. Scratch that: i KNOW they're on their way. Ther are scars-a-plenty on these vulnerable legs of mine, for release, for a reminder ther's a way out. guilt self-hatred being left out not human.
i have days when thoughts of suicide consume my entire being : in these moments it genuinely seems the only viable option, so i rather thought i'd recount this whilst in an (albeit temporary) state of mental well-being.
it's not uncommon for an evening to be spent religiously reserching and analysing potential methods; two staurdays ago had been one such evening: prior to this evening i had bought a few packs of paracetamol with intentions. after googling (on google CHROME love the word chrome) death by paracetamol jsut once i discovered it would be an excruciating, slow death spent in hospital, so paracetamol was ticked off my perverse little list. (this list is in my mind it's not physical, guy)
i am not good enough to be a human being. i do not belive i am , in fact, a human being: i am a lower life-form who neither CAN nor WANTS to carry out typical human activity. it is difficult, very difficult, to care about certain things: it is difficult, so much more difficult, to NOT care about certain things.
In these spells, everything seems obsolete. all i want to do is embrace an eternal sleep with open arms. eternal peace. the snakes that writhe without pause in my tummy will cease to exist, they will die with me.
the curtains in this room are red. i dont like red. it reminds me of my red eye........
anyway , guy.
ill go bathe and then meet joe.
what i intended to to was fill you in on the exhilerating ( -_____- ) ins and outs of how ive started university just like a top-notch human, but then i figured that 1. no-body gives a rat's labia, and 2. i dont wanna write about that stuff.
mentally , at the moment , i am on a plain. this is something of a peaceful place. it isn't always this way, i keep getting fluctuating spells of a sense of impending doom, hopelessness, deep, murky thoughts that i worry are on a downward spiral to the way out. Scratch that: i KNOW they're on their way. Ther are scars-a-plenty on these vulnerable legs of mine, for release, for a reminder ther's a way out. guilt self-hatred being left out not human.
i have days when thoughts of suicide consume my entire being : in these moments it genuinely seems the only viable option, so i rather thought i'd recount this whilst in an (albeit temporary) state of mental well-being.
it's not uncommon for an evening to be spent religiously reserching and analysing potential methods; two staurdays ago had been one such evening: prior to this evening i had bought a few packs of paracetamol with intentions. after googling (on google CHROME love the word chrome) death by paracetamol jsut once i discovered it would be an excruciating, slow death spent in hospital, so paracetamol was ticked off my perverse little list. (this list is in my mind it's not physical, guy)
i am not good enough to be a human being. i do not belive i am , in fact, a human being: i am a lower life-form who neither CAN nor WANTS to carry out typical human activity. it is difficult, very difficult, to care about certain things: it is difficult, so much more difficult, to NOT care about certain things.
In these spells, everything seems obsolete. all i want to do is embrace an eternal sleep with open arms. eternal peace. the snakes that writhe without pause in my tummy will cease to exist, they will die with me.
the curtains in this room are red. i dont like red. it reminds me of my red eye........
anyway , guy.
ill go bathe and then meet joe.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
The Twenty-Eighth(Oo0h) of July, 2011. A rainy Thursday. 13:27
Give each of your fingernails a little red cape and watch them fly :)
i applied for my accommodation at sitrling university today. If they ask, I smoke tobacco. (a)
I dont really want to shower, it's quite fun being smelly y'know. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i want to eat but there's shite food in the house. S'pose, that's due to me eating it all last night(SMOKADAGANJAWITHJOEANDJOSEPHUPTHEWOODS)
tONIGHT, im seeing amie i think. Anna's at work the now. I'm working 9-4 tomorrow, really, really.
Okay.
i applied for my accommodation at sitrling university today. If they ask, I smoke tobacco. (a)
I dont really want to shower, it's quite fun being smelly y'know. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i want to eat but there's shite food in the house. S'pose, that's due to me eating it all last night(SMOKADAGANJAWITHJOEANDJOSEPHUPTHEWOODS)
tONIGHT, im seeing amie i think. Anna's at work the now. I'm working 9-4 tomorrow, really, really.
Okay.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
The Seventh, of May. I'd Say. 2011.
I think you should have a name, blog, so im going to refer to you as "Darren" henceforth. Okay, i was originally planning to start this post in a civilised way but YAAAAAS! I JUST FOUND A CHOCOLATE ORANGE ON THE SOFA!!!
...
well that's that.
just chilling, y'know, eating a chocolate orange, listening to "doing the unstuck" by the cure.
uh, yeah, so a good few months back, i started skiving school heavily. Dropped out. Got five unconditional ofers to university (standard oh you fucker) and i going to stirling. the campus is magic, pretty forests and a lake and the like.
Bout two months ago, i broke up with my on-off boyfriend of a year, Tope. When we were together, i was pretty much obsessed, but it was more like being addicted to heroin than anything else...i was like his puppet, for a bit. (for a year, actually) but no hard feelings, i think he's a good guy who does bad things, theres good in everyone. at the moment, me and tope are flipping between fragile fake friendship, and resentment/bitterness towards each other. so YEAH.
oh no, ive had seven segments (lol segments what a word) of choccy orange and now i need milk straight from the carton. brb
ok im back. im astounded by my own cleverness sometimes; to counteract the sickly feeling from the chocolate orange, i am now devouring a REAL orange. Woooowwww...
last night i was at Jenny and Tom's house. I hadnt seen the quinns in a while and honestly, i love being around them. there's no fakeness, no plotting, in their friendship; theyre genuinely nice people who think about others. two of my favourite people, they are. theyre also two of the few people that i find i properly "click" with...i dont even click with some of my best friends, but its cool.
ah, i got an ipod off ebay and i got it today. having had almost no access to music for the past month or so, ive spent today revelling in the overwhelming thrill certain artists give me. i had almost forgotten the strength of emotion that music can evoke in you..
Can I tell you something, Darren? of course i can. I sometimes feel like im slipping off the edge.
It's so weird, all these things, that we're EXPECTED to do, seeing as we're human beings. We are socially expected to speak, and to have showers, and be happy, and to go to work, and develop relationships and other such things. What if someone didnt want to? They'd continue to, anyway, cause that's what humans do. They have to be human. I look at people around me and i see such happiness in most of their expressions, their actions, their tone of voice; of this i am envious...but is it real? are they just pretending for the sake of what we think humans have to do?i dont know. i love musicians that challenge this, that breach the ordinary, that delve into their true feelings. and i love people in real life(well, my life) who do not constantly wear a protective shield of (perhaps phony) happiness. i mean, dont get me wrong, i know i sound pessimistic as hell, i like when people are happy, i really do. i dont know how to put this into words, actually. so i wont.
A few months ago, I (entirely by accident) stumbled upon two things which kinda turned my life different...in a good way, though. one of them is something which gives me an escape, a few hours away. the other has the exact same effect but is in the form of a person, a friend. one who showed me things id never seen before. the most calming and compassionate of people. :)
In other news, ive been seeing a lot of one of my best friends, Amie, a lot recently. It's been good having proper conversations about life with her but i sometimes think she puts on a front and holds something back (not in a bad way). I think she's been more affected by her past than she lets on, anyway..i wish she'd realise that it isnt cowardly to cry, to get upset. But yeah.
That orange (the real one) was refreshing. I like brushing my teeth, but not after fruit.
Alright, Darren, im going to go lie in the dark and listen to a mix of Slipknot, Angels and Airwaves, Adele, Nirvana, Sum 41, Bruce Springsteen, My Chemical Romance, Edwin Mccain, the Cure and the Fray.
I might write tomorrow. Then again, i might not.
<3,
cocoablush09
p.s. ive blogged (incredibly sporadically, but i have blogged regardless) for a year now, and may i just say, i just read my old blogs, and i was an irritating little arse a year ago.
...
well that's that.
just chilling, y'know, eating a chocolate orange, listening to "doing the unstuck" by the cure.
uh, yeah, so a good few months back, i started skiving school heavily. Dropped out. Got five unconditional ofers to university (standard oh you fucker) and i going to stirling. the campus is magic, pretty forests and a lake and the like.
Bout two months ago, i broke up with my on-off boyfriend of a year, Tope. When we were together, i was pretty much obsessed, but it was more like being addicted to heroin than anything else...i was like his puppet, for a bit. (for a year, actually) but no hard feelings, i think he's a good guy who does bad things, theres good in everyone. at the moment, me and tope are flipping between fragile fake friendship, and resentment/bitterness towards each other. so YEAH.
oh no, ive had seven segments (lol segments what a word) of choccy orange and now i need milk straight from the carton. brb
ok im back. im astounded by my own cleverness sometimes; to counteract the sickly feeling from the chocolate orange, i am now devouring a REAL orange. Woooowwww...
last night i was at Jenny and Tom's house. I hadnt seen the quinns in a while and honestly, i love being around them. there's no fakeness, no plotting, in their friendship; theyre genuinely nice people who think about others. two of my favourite people, they are. theyre also two of the few people that i find i properly "click" with...i dont even click with some of my best friends, but its cool.
ah, i got an ipod off ebay and i got it today. having had almost no access to music for the past month or so, ive spent today revelling in the overwhelming thrill certain artists give me. i had almost forgotten the strength of emotion that music can evoke in you..
Can I tell you something, Darren? of course i can. I sometimes feel like im slipping off the edge.
It's so weird, all these things, that we're EXPECTED to do, seeing as we're human beings. We are socially expected to speak, and to have showers, and be happy, and to go to work, and develop relationships and other such things. What if someone didnt want to? They'd continue to, anyway, cause that's what humans do. They have to be human. I look at people around me and i see such happiness in most of their expressions, their actions, their tone of voice; of this i am envious...but is it real? are they just pretending for the sake of what we think humans have to do?i dont know. i love musicians that challenge this, that breach the ordinary, that delve into their true feelings. and i love people in real life(well, my life) who do not constantly wear a protective shield of (perhaps phony) happiness. i mean, dont get me wrong, i know i sound pessimistic as hell, i like when people are happy, i really do. i dont know how to put this into words, actually. so i wont.
A few months ago, I (entirely by accident) stumbled upon two things which kinda turned my life different...in a good way, though. one of them is something which gives me an escape, a few hours away. the other has the exact same effect but is in the form of a person, a friend. one who showed me things id never seen before. the most calming and compassionate of people. :)
In other news, ive been seeing a lot of one of my best friends, Amie, a lot recently. It's been good having proper conversations about life with her but i sometimes think she puts on a front and holds something back (not in a bad way). I think she's been more affected by her past than she lets on, anyway..i wish she'd realise that it isnt cowardly to cry, to get upset. But yeah.
That orange (the real one) was refreshing. I like brushing my teeth, but not after fruit.
Alright, Darren, im going to go lie in the dark and listen to a mix of Slipknot, Angels and Airwaves, Adele, Nirvana, Sum 41, Bruce Springsteen, My Chemical Romance, Edwin Mccain, the Cure and the Fray.
I might write tomorrow. Then again, i might not.
<3,
cocoablush09
p.s. ive blogged (incredibly sporadically, but i have blogged regardless) for a year now, and may i just say, i just read my old blogs, and i was an irritating little arse a year ago.
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
March the Nineth( lol wtf NINETH? say it)2011. :) a wednesday morning.
Well, hey.......
it's 02:17 in the morning and i cant push my mind together into one piece to start writing about the last few months.
I will write tomorroe. HAHAHA WHAT A FUNNY SPELLING
remember when George Bush spelt "potato", "potatoe" what an omnibus.
Oh, life's waiting to begin.
i have four unconditionals, by the fucking way! and i can brag all i want on here, cause no-one will read this. How awesome am i?
My hands smell of soap.
<3,
cocoablush09
it's 02:17 in the morning and i cant push my mind together into one piece to start writing about the last few months.
I will write tomorroe. HAHAHA WHAT A FUNNY SPELLING
remember when George Bush spelt "potato", "potatoe" what an omnibus.
Oh, life's waiting to begin.
i have four unconditionals, by the fucking way! and i can brag all i want on here, cause no-one will read this. How awesome am i?
My hands smell of soap.
<3,
cocoablush09
Monday, 22 November 2010
22nd novemb: part 2
Things i'd like
1. a guinea-hyphen-pig
2. a flat of my very own
3. all three angels and airwaves albums
4. guarana flavoured lip balm
5. a shoe horn
also, for ayia napa to just be now, yeah? still 6months or so...my mum doesnt think passport control will let me out the country 'cause i split choccy ice cream on my passport. im a terrorist, so im just gonna smear ice cream on my passport.
feel like watching shrek (the one with the scottish guy singing halleluljah, or the song IM A BELIEVER)...unfortunately, i have to go back to school in half an hour's time. Then dentist, 5.40. then dad's for tea, 6.30 yo.
Been to hell and back, i can show you vouchers
<3,
cocoablush09
1. a guinea-hyphen-pig
2. a flat of my very own
3. all three angels and airwaves albums
4. guarana flavoured lip balm
5. a shoe horn
also, for ayia napa to just be now, yeah? still 6months or so...my mum doesnt think passport control will let me out the country 'cause i split choccy ice cream on my passport. im a terrorist, so im just gonna smear ice cream on my passport.
feel like watching shrek (the one with the scottish guy singing halleluljah, or the song IM A BELIEVER)...unfortunately, i have to go back to school in half an hour's time. Then dentist, 5.40. then dad's for tea, 6.30 yo.
Been to hell and back, i can show you vouchers
<3,
cocoablush09
22nd novemb
School today. I got a free period the now. THE NOW
SLOWLY EATING MY WAY THROUGH A 24-PACK OF JAFFA CAKES
i bought "radiance", a fragrance by Britney Spears, the other day. it's got a jewlled bottle
anna is drying her hair as i listen- she hasnt been into skl yet.
feeling lost.
i cant begin to imagine how many people's lives have been saved by music
<3,
cocoablush09
SLOWLY EATING MY WAY THROUGH A 24-PACK OF JAFFA CAKES
i bought "radiance", a fragrance by Britney Spears, the other day. it's got a jewlled bottle
anna is drying her hair as i listen- she hasnt been into skl yet.
feeling lost.
i cant begin to imagine how many people's lives have been saved by music
<3,
cocoablush09
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